


L’appel du Vide

by mayflowers07



Series: i can be the one you call [9]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Gen, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health Issues, Platonic Relationships, Redemption arc for Ex pog!, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Evil X, it’s more dialogue heavy and focuses on Zed and Ex, still I’m glad to be posting it, this on is a bit more of a character study then the others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29253960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayflowers07/pseuds/mayflowers07
Summary: Zedaph had always dealt with intrusive thoughts. Some days were better then others, but the past few had been pretty bad. Which lead to the situation at hand- Zedaph sitting on the edge of the Void, staring out into its entrancing nothingness and trying to ignore the voice in his head telling him to jump.Lucky for him, a source of comfort and support will come from an unexpected place.(Part of a series but can be read as a standalone fic)
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Zedaph and Evil Xisuma, impulseSV & Tango Tek & Zedaph (Video Blogging RPF), we are here for that good found family content dammit
Series: i can be the one you call [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051148
Comments: 78
Kudos: 170





	L’appel du Vide

**Author's Note:**

> I want to quickly say that Zedaph is dealing with intrusive thoughts in this fic. They are based off of my experiences with intrusive thoughts, so if you find they aren’t accurate to your own situation, you’re valid, this is just my own take.
> 
> Those intrusive thoughts involve self-harm and suicide. Zedaph isn’t really suicidal, it’s just the thoughts that he can’t control telling him things he doesn’t believe, but it borders the line, so if any of that is triggering to you, here’s your warning. 
> 
> Also in case you haven’t read the other fics, let me explain the concept this series is based off of: in Hermitcraft there is a code phrase Xisuma introduced years ago- blue creeper. If anyone says the phrase, it means something is seriously wrong and that everything has to be stopped to deal with whoever said it. It’s a way to ensure that even though the Hermits all prank each other, fight in wars, and have conflicts, it stays friendly and nothing gets taken too far. It also acts as an emergency SOS when someone is in immediate danger.

The Void was whispering to him.

It looked so beautiful, the impossibly-infinite black nothingness that Zedaph stared into as he sat on his spaceship. It was completely devoid of all sensory experiences: the surrounding atmosphere was a perfectly even temperature so that it was hard to tell where one’s body started and the Void began, there was no smell or taste in the air, the black was so consistent there was nothing for the eyes to focus on besides oneself, and noise couldn’t enter the Void in its vacuum of emptiness so even Zedaph’s breathing and heart beating didn’t echo back.

Except that was a lie, because there was noise.

The Void was whispering to him.

It called out to Zedaph, beckoning him to _take just one step off the ledge of the spaceship and join us. Join us in our forever peace and quiet. Take control and fall and fall and fall and fall and-_

Zedaph groaned and pressed both fists harshly over his ears, desperately trying to muffle the voices of the Void that taunted him with their siren calls, but of course that did nothing. Zedaph knew it would do nothing, because he knew that it wasn’t really the Void calling him. It was just the thoughts in his head. And he could gouge out his ears, but that internal voice would never go away.

Zedaph had dealt with intrusive thoughts for as long as he could remember. When he first told people about the thoughts, he would usually start with the funny stories, like when he would have an urge to eat the bundle of leaves he was collecting or dump lava over his redstone contraptions. Of course people would laugh and agree that his mind was pretty silly and move on.

Of the few very close friends Zedaph had ever told about the full story of his intrusive thoughts, only two others on the server knew how bad the voices could get. Only Tango and Impulse had been privy to Zedaph confessing that sometimes he would have thoughts of lighting TNT in the middle of other people’s shops and letting their work be blown to bits, of slamming his hand in an iron door and listening to his bones snap, or of letting go of his rockets mid flight and plummeting to his death. Only his two best friends were the ones to comfort him when he would call them in tears, because he felt so sick to be having those kinds of thoughts or because he didn’t really want to kill himself but the voices in his head always seemed to tell him he did.

Which then begged the question of why Zedaph was sat with his legs dangling over the edge of the Void’s neverending drop, too entranced by the call of the Void to get up and leave but too horrified to listen to the call and jump? Why didn’t he call those friends?

_Do you think there’s a bottom to the Void? Do you think if you jumped you’d eventually hit a bottom, and your body would go splat? Or do you think that it truly is infinite and that you’d just fall and fall forever until you wasted away, and the rotting remains of your body would be the only thing left falling? Or do you think-_

Zedaph shuddered to himself at the dark images his mind conjured up. He continued to try and shut out the voices, so focused on fighting against the urges that he never noticed the figure standing cross-armed behind him until he felt them tap him on the shoulder.

He definitely didn’t flail his arms as he nearly jumped out of his skin and gave the highest-pitched shriek he possibly could at that surprise… definitely.

He dramatically clutched one hand to his chest and spun around in his spot, ready to give whichever Hermit decided to sneak up on him a piece of his mind, but the scolding words caught in his throat when he stared up in awe at who the person was.

“Yup, you’re still as unobservant as ever,” Ex smirked.

Zedaph gaped up at the man for a bit before swatting Ex’s leg and relaxing back down on the ledge. “I mean you’d be shocked too if someone came up to you while you were in space of all places, you jerk.”

A thought occurred to Zed, and his eyes widened as he sputtered, “Hey wait a minute, how are you here? Didn’t Xisuma ban you again?”

Ex snorted and lowered himself to sit next to Zedaph. “If I had a diamond for every time my brother tried to ban me from the server, I’d have enough to make a full set of armour and tools easy. Clearly that’s never stopped me before. And technically I haven’t really broken back in again.”

“But you’re here?”

“Yes, but ‘here’ is the edge of the world itself. The rules of life and death and this game we play are looser the further into the Void you are. So it’s way easier to bypass Xisuma’s blacklist command here then it would be in the Overworld.”

“Oh,” Zedaph nodded hesitantly, “I guess that makes sense. But still, don’t think this means I want to see you. I don’t forgive you for what happened with Keralis. You really messed him up.”

The evil brother laughed, but Zedaph noted that it was humourless- something more self-deprecating than anything else. Ex shot back, “I don’t need your forgiveness, because I’m not sorry. I wanted to destroy my brother’s server, and that was the best way to go about doing it.”

Then it was Zedaph's turn to chuckle at Ex, much to the chagrin of Ex who shot Zedaph a dirty look. 

“I don’t believe you,” Zedaph explained. 

Ex scoffed, annoyed at Zedaph’s nonchalance. “That’s what happened, moron.”

“Nope,” Zedaph retorted, emphasizing the ‘p’ in the word. “I don’t think that is it. I think I know you Exy, and I know you haven’t been full on terrorist, genocide evil in a while. You probably had a bad day and lashed out on Keralis, and you've probably been kicking yourself about it ever since.”

Was Zedaph going to explain to Ex what he knew all about bad days because of his intrusive thoughts, that he had been experiencing plenty of bad days recently and knew how easy it was to give in to that misery and hate and hurt?

No, no he wasn’t.

Ex was silent, just blinking in shock at Zedaph before narrowing his eyes and growling threateningly, “You don’t know me.”

“We’ve hung out a fair bit. You are technically my sidekick… if I was Worm Man which no one can prove I am. So yeah, I would say that I know you, my friend.”

If anything, Ex’s voice got even lower, trying to sound even more menacing. “I ‘was’ your sidekick as a joke and we ‘were’ friends. Not anymore. Maybe you’d still get to call yourself my friend if you had actually tried to keep my brother from banning me again in Season Six.”

“You were going to try and destroy the server.”

“I was dealing with issues! And no one tried to talk to me or help me and no one cared to try because why would they? I’m just Evil Xisuma, and I deserve to suffer and-” Ex cut himself off from his bitter rant, closed his eyes, and took a deep, controlled breath in, trying to calm down. 

Zedaph sensed that talking would just make it all worse, so he decided to let Ex have his peace. For a few minutes the two just sat in silence, the Void surrounding them in its suffocating embrace. Of course the silence’s return meant the return of the voices.

_Shove him off the ledge. Or jump and listen to him scream after you as you fall. Or-_

“Maybe I am a little sorry,” Ex confessed in a huff. 

Zedaph gave a weak smile, secretly very happy that Ex had interrupted the voice of the Void. “That’s all I really wanted to hear.”

Ex gave Zedaph an odd look, one that Zedaph would almost pinpoint as worried, before casually saying, “You shouldn’t be doing this, you derp.”

“Doing what?”

“I’ve been banned to the Void more times than I can count. The reason I found you is because after so long alone in it I can sense when it’s disturbed, like when someone falls into it in the End or when your yellow friend breaks his bedrock. So I know you’ve been coming here and sitting in the Void for hours and hours alone each day. There’s no way it’s good for you.”

_Light up the TNT you've been keeping in your chests and watch this whole spaceship go up in flames and burn you to a crisp._

Zedaph clenched his jaw and turned so his eyes were firmly fixated on the solid inky black of the Void, refusing to show Ex just how accurate his read was.

When he realized Zedaph wasn’t going to answer, Ex continued, uncharacteristically tender, “I know you hate silence. You’ve told me about the intrusive thoughts, so what are you doing? Why are you hurting yourself like this?”

Again Zedaph clenched his jaw even further, so hard he was sure his teeth were cracking. He refused to acknowledge the moisture in his eyes when he responded, “I don’t really know… it’s just kind of a habit at this point.”

“Okay, but you know that most people’s bad habits are biting their nails or forgetting to do the dishes, not contemplating jumping to their death, right?”

And maybe Ex expected a small giggle or a lighter smile from Zedaph in response to that joke, but all he got was a “maybe I should” muttered under Zedaph’s breathe, so quiet Ex probably barely caught it.

But he did. Ex jolted to a halt. “Excuse me?” For the first time since Zed could remember meeting him, Ex sounded nervous and unsure.

_What would your funeral look like? How would the entire server cry for you?_

Zed didn’t respond. He watched numbly as his tears finally fell, dripping one at a time into the terrifying abyss below him, slowly disappearing until they were finally nothing, swallowed into the vacuum.

Ex shook his head and reached out to hold Zedaph’s shoulder, though whether it was meant to be a comforting gesture or grasp to make sure he didn’t give in to the whispers, Zedaph wasn’t sure. 

“Zed, this is clearly getting bad, worse than you’ve ever described it to me. As much as I hate to admit it- and I really hate it- I am your sidekick. I don’t want to see you suffering like this.”

All Zedaph could is give a broken shuddering gasp, use his sleeves to wipe his cheeks, and softly cry out, “It’s getting worse. It’s getting so bad. The voices and the thoughts never shut up. It feels like from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep I’m being bombarded by these awful, evil ideas and images that aren’t me. I don’t want to mindlessly destroy things, I don’t want to hurt my friends, and I don’t want to kill myself, but they’re still here no matter what I want. It’s like… I’m scared to hold knives or stand near oceans or fly too high in case I give in to those urges, but at the same time I do it anyways, because my messed up brain has this idea where maybe if I prove that I can control myself and not give into the voices they’ll go away. But they never do Ex. They never do, and all I end up doing is dangling over the Void, waiting for the day it’s all too much, and I let go.”

By the end, Zed was full on sobbing, so hard he had trouble even finishing his sentences. His nose was embarrassingly running too, joining the mix of tears on his face as he whimpered and cried in the emptiness.

_Try and punch through the iron in the spaceship, maybe it will dent a bit before you break your hand. Slam your head through the glass pains in the windows too._

When his tears had finally marginally run out, he looked up to find Ex fiddling with his communicator with one hand and still holding steady and unwaveringly onto Zedaph with the other. 

Ex set down the communicator and turned to look further at Zedaph. He asked, “Okay, so why haven’t you called up Dumb and Dumber to help you?”

“Tango and Impulse aren’t my therapists though,” Zedaph replied, voice cracking and tears continuing to fall. “They’re busy people with busy lives. It’s not their job to come rushing over every time I feel a bit upset and drop everything to help me. Between the Civil War and Demise last season and the Boomers, Decked Out, and the Turf War this season, I guess I’ve just been too worried about the fact that I don’t want my best friends to start thinking that hanging out with me means fixing me. I don’t want to turn me into an obligation for them.”

Ex hummed to himself and seemed to think for a bit before answering, the only sound other than that being the occasional notification from the communicator. “It’s easy to lose yourself in what-ifs, to think that it’s never going to get better so you’re better off not reaching out and bothering others.”

The clone’s gaze seemed to turn inwards, and Zedaph got the sense that Ex was talking just as much to himself as he was to Zedaph. “You forget that it’s not just you against the world and that you’re not trapped alone with every awful thing you’ve ever done. First you start to lose the people you loved, and then you lose yourself.”

Ex put both hands on Zedaph’s wet cheeks and turned him so they were face to face. His touch wasn’t as warm and comforting as Xisuma’s always was, but there was a certain gentle strength that felt familiar between the two brothers. The other sounds of the communicator getting alerts faded to background noise as Ex finished, “Zedaph, you’re not at that point yet. You haven’t lost yourself, no matter how much you think you might have. I’m sure your two idiots would much rather help you out when you need it then have to help you in a hospital or worse.”

“But they’re busy with their builds and projects and stuff.”

“Yeah but buildings can be redone. Projects can be rescheduled. But you Worm Man? You are something special that can’t be replaced, so I am begging you to please take care of yourself before you break.”

Zedaph sniffled and managed to smile up a bit at Ex. “Aw, so you do care about me?”

“Ew, no. You tell anyone about this, I’ll feed you to the Ender Dragon myself,” Ex threatened, though the fond look in his eyes and teasing in his voice as he said it completely contradicted the statement.

Finally after sitting on the ledge staring into the dark nothingness and suffering alone with his thoughts for hours, Zedaph felt comfortable enough to stand up and back away a few steps. He turned and pulled a surprised Ex into a hug and whispered, “thank you Exy,” to which Ex’s only response was to give awkward shoulder pats to Zedaph.

“There, there?”

Zedaph giggled, “You really aren’t good at this whole socializing thing.”

“Nope, and I don’t think I want to be.”

Laughter came easily to Zedaph for the first time in a while.

The buzzing of the communicator interrupted their little feel good hug as message after message flowed in from the main chat. Zedaph groaned, “Ugh what are they all talking about? Why won’t they shut up?”

Ex shrugged, “Oh, probably because I sent them that stupid code you all use from your account and gave them your location.”

“... what the f-”

“Yeah, I may not have the derpy leadership skills or the nerdy admin abilities of my brother, but I can definitely be sneakier. This communicator I was typing on earlier isn’t mine, it’s yours that I stole while you were crying. Which was maybe taking advantage of you, but I think the good outways the bad.”

Zedaph gasped and checked his wrist, and yup, his communicator was gone.

“You sneaky little bugger!”

“That’s me. I better get going, I’m sure the rest of your little boy band is going to be here any minute, and I don’t think they’re going to be as naively forgiving as you.”

Zedaph’s head spun in circles. “But why?”

Ex stood up and sighed, “Because I’m a broken person Zedaph. You need help from people who can give you what you need, constant support and love. I’m really not in a position to be that friend for you. Plus, in case you forgot, I am still banned.”

Guilt and sadness curled uncomfortably under Zedaph’s skin. “But you’re my friend. I don’t want you to leave all over again.”

To Zedaph’s surprise, Ex affectionately messed up Zedaph’s hair by running his hand through it a few times. “Ha, you know me though. I’ll find my way back in one way or another.”

As Ex pulled his hand away, Zedaph grabbed his wrist tightly, like he never wanted to let go again. “You better come back and visit then. I’m going to miss you,” he replied, not crying but still very emotionally charged and on the edge of tears falling again. “And Ex?” He continued, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but when you’re being all comforting and sweet, you sound a lot like your brother. If you do come and visit me, you should try talking to him and working things out.”

A mix of emotions, too fast for Zedaph to begin to decipher, flashed across Ex’s eyes. He didn’t say anything more, and the next time Zedaph blinked and then opened his eyes, Ex was gone from sight.

For a few minutes, Zedaph just stood there completely still, trying to comprehend what just happened and come to terms with his complicated feelings towards his old friend. Evil X was clearly hurting, but Zedaph didn’t know how to help someone who really did believe themself to be the villain and to be unworthy of redemption. An idea slowly came to mind, but before he could act on it, he saw two figures flying up through the Void and towards his ship, too very familiar figures that made Zedaph grin immediately upon recognition.

Tango was the first one to touch down on the rocket, coming in so hard and fast he almost slammed into a wall before righting himself. He looked around wildly until his eyes landed on Zedaph’s form, upon which Tango yelled out some form of exclamation and lunged forward to pull Zedaph into a bear hug. Impulse soon landed too, slower but much more gracefully than Tango. He too immediately sought out Zedaph and rushed forward to check him over with panicked eyes.

“Zedaph what happened? Why did you use the code? And why haven’t you been responding?” Tango asked all in one frantic breath.

Impulse explained, “Yeah dude, you just sent the blue creeper message, your coordinates, and nothing else. We thought you died or something. Are you okay though?”

A lump formed in Zedaph’s throat at how concerned the two of them were, at how they had apparently dropped everything to come over to deal with broken, messed-up him. 

Without realizing it, Zedaph unconsciously looked towards the Void around them, the source of his misery. Impulse, ever observant and caring, noticed the glance. Realization dawned on him, before his features shifted into something more sympathetic and gentle. 

“Oh Zed, is it the thoughts again?”

The lump in Zedaph’s throat thickened, and his vision blurred. He bit on his lip to try and hold back the flood of relief and guilt and emotions he couldn’t even name as he nodded. Somehow Tango’s arms around him tightened their hold even more, like if Zedaph was going to give into the whispers of the Void, then Tango was going with him no matter what, and Impulse moved to pull both of them into a hug, like if either of them tried to fall he’d be there to pull them right back.

“It’s gonna be okay Z,” Tango murmured the reassurance to him. “You tell those thoughts you’re not giving them an inch, okay? Just listen to us for now.”

“The Void is not allowed to have you. You’re our best friend, and we don’t plan on giving you up anytime soon,” Impulse continued.

Zedaph’s chest heaved, and he was sure he was probably shaking. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, choked up and barely able to talk, “I’m sorry you have to deal with me.”

“Hey, hey, hey, none of that,” Impulse softly reprimanded while also shuffling a bit to cup the back of Zedaph’s head and pull him so he was leaning forward onto Impulse’s shoulder. “We’ve told you once, and we’ll tell you over and over again; if it means keeping you safe and happy and smiling your beautiful smile, then we’ll gladly come through for you.”

Tango agreed and added on, “You’re not a problem for us to ‘deal with.’ You’re our best friend, and yeah, you take a little work sometimes but so do I and so does Impy and so does everyone. That doesn’t make you less, it makes you Zedaph. We wouldn’t have you any other way.”

At that point, Zedaph was full on sobbing, yet somehow lighter and more content than he had been feeling in a while. His right hand tangled in Tango’s vest and his left clutched at the back of Impulse’s shirt, not planning to let them go anytime soon.

“I love you guys,” he managed to choke out amidst his crying, “I love you guys so much.”

“Aw, we love you too, ya big goof,” Impulse cooed.

“Of course we do,” Tango exclaimed, “Team ZIT needs its Z or else we’re just Team IT, and that just sounds stupid.”

As the three of them stood there in their embrace, each supporting and holding onto each other like they were the most precious being in the whole world, Zedaph considered that he was grateful to have such an amazing support system, but he unfortunately knew someone else who didn’t have one. The back of his mind put together pieces and came to a solution he could act on later.

For the moment though, Zedaph stood on his rocket ship with Tango and Impulse, feeling the love he had so desperately needed. And he was proud to say that between his two friend’s constant flow of murmured reassurances, the whispers of the Void had finally quieted down.

…

Zedaph: Hello! o/

Evil Xisuma: wot

Evil Xisuma: what

Evil Xisuma: how in the world did you get my communicator info

Zedaph: I may not be you or your brother but I have my own set of technology hacking skills that aren’t too bad ;)

Evil Xisuma: mhm

Evil Xisuma: I’m almost impressed

Zedaph: Just wanted to let you know that I’m back in the Overworld. Impulse is drooling on my shoulder and Tango keeps rolling around and stealing all of the blankets 

Evil Xisuma: oh so you’re okay then?

Zedaph: Yeah I mean the thoughts aren’t going away but my friend’s also aren’t going away anytime soon so I feel better about my odds of dealing with them

Evil Xisuma: ugh mushy feelings *gags*

Zedaph: Oh like you’re one to talk Mr. Hypocrite

Zedaph: Now that I have your number, expect a lot of love (and memes) from me

Evil Xisuma: oh no

Zedaph: Oh yeah!

Zedaph: Next time you’re going to break back into the server maybe text me ahead of time and let me know so we can hang out

Zedaph: And if you have another bad day and you feel like destroying stuff and potentially committing murder can you try texting me instead? 

Evil Xisuma: you know this isn’t going to fix everything right? My brother still hates me, your server still doesn’t trust me, and I’m still messed up 

Zedaph: I know but it’s a start at least. You can at least try?

Evil Xisuma: …

Evil Xisuma: okay I can try

**Author's Note:**

> Intrusive thoughts really are the worst. One minute you’re just trying to drive down the street or clean your room, the next you’re picturing swerving into traffic and crashing or punching your mirror to shatters. I’m glad to have indulged you all in my little projecting.
> 
> Also Ex is not supposed to be fully forgiven yet. He is a complicated character with a complicated story I’m excited to explore. He’s going to be in at least a couple more stories, and his redemption will be coming, so I’m excited for that.
> 
> Next up is either Ren, Mumbo, or Jevin, but I’m not really sure about the order yet. We’ll see. If you have any ideas or headcanons about this AU, please let me know in the comments, I love seeing what everyone comes up with.


End file.
